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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:13:52 GMT -6
A guitarist and a bass player are sitting in the train.
A nun and a young girl take a seat on the other side of the cabin.
The train drives into a tunnel. It is totally dark.
You hear a loud slap in the face. The train comes out of the tunnel.
The guitarist has a red cheek.
What do they all think?
Nun: So, this guy with the guitar case touched the innocent girl and got a slap for this. God knows the rightful punishment for sins. Amen.
Girl: Aha, this guy wanted to touch me and felt up the wrong one. This nun knows how to treat him. LOL.
Guitarist: WTF! Bloody bassman! He touches the girl and i get the slap! That's not fair!
Bass player: That was cool. At the next tunnel i slap him again. :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:27:46 GMT -6
How much must a blues musician drink to get a blood alcohol of 1 permille?
Absolutely nothing for 3 days.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:29:39 GMT -6
What are 3000 banjos at the ground of the ocean?
A good start.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:33:01 GMT -6
What does a jazz musician do when he wins the lottery?
Gigging until he is broke again.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:38:59 GMT -6
How does a metal drummer count 7/8 meter?
"One, two, three, four, five, six, se-ven"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:44:47 GMT -6
What is the easiest way to split an atom?
Give it to the roady and tell him to bring it up stage in one piece.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:56:16 GMT -6
A guy with a guitar and a guy with drum sticks are waiting for a taxi.
Who is the professional musician?
The taxi driver.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 3:59:00 GMT -6
Drummers at work:
"What do you mean with my timing is not okay??? I even played faster!"
"I can't play more dynamic. I already play as loud as i can."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 4:06:14 GMT -6
What's the difference between a trumpeter and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 4:23:05 GMT -6
How long does a harp stay in tune?
15 minutes or until somebody opens the door.
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Post by henge on Jan 16, 2016 5:04:05 GMT -6
Smart girl! What a great way to start the day. Thanks guys... |
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Post by mitchkricun on Jan 16, 2016 8:35:56 GMT -6
Apologizing in advance... :-)
How do you make two guitarists play in tune with each other....?
Shoot one of them
How many lesbian folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2... One two screw it in and one to suck my d$#@!
A boy came home from his first bass lesson. His dad asked him how it went. "Today we learned the E string."
The boy came home from his second lesson and dad asked him how it went. "Today we learned the A string."
The boy came home from his third lesson. Dad asked, "So did you learn the D string today?"
"No, today I had a gig."
What do you call the bass players wife?
The guitar players F Buddy!
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His Amp!
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
Put sheet music in front of them.
How do you get a keyboardist to stop playing?
Take the sheet music away.
Have a productive weekend!
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Post by Ward on Jan 16, 2016 9:57:19 GMT -6
What did the drummer say when he opened the box of cheerios?
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WHOA!!! Donut Seeds!!
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Post by tonycamphd on Jan 16, 2016 10:02:20 GMT -6
A man comes into a store. "I want to buy a Marshall AC30 and a Gobson Stratoblaster with a Fried Rose Tremolo." "You are a drummer, right?" "How do you know???" "This is a travel agency...." spit's coffee!! lmao! |
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Post by unit7 on Jan 16, 2016 11:15:25 GMT -6
I love these jokes too!
Among classical musicians probably the most bullied ones are the guys playing the viola. The background is that viola players sometimes are guys that started with violin but wasn't skilled enough to compete, then started playing the viola and got employed. There are countless really nasty jokes (that I only know in swedish), and my favorite is more low key:
- What is the only thing a viola does better than a violin?
- Longer burning time
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Post by unit7 on Jan 16, 2016 11:48:22 GMT -6
One of my all time favorites has room for some improv and variations depending on how many/which musicians are at the party.. The start of it is telling about this band that is just about to break worldwide. Backed up by the biggest record company, biggest team of PR people, new album released that is produced by the most big time producers known and recorded in legendary studios all over the world, world tour booked for the next 18 months etc etc. (I know!.. this dream situ is not really relevant anymore  , but anyway…). This is the tour premiere night and they are playing at Central Park in front of 500000 people and the gig is being broadcasted all over the world. In the mind of the singer: I'll get BIG apartment on Manhattan, a house in California and a summer house at the french riviera. Mmmm... In the mind of the keyboard player: Ohhh, I'm gonna build a big beach house by the sea, with a top notch studio with removable sun roof and what not… In the mind of the guitarist: I'll have a private jet and penthouse apartments all over the world with models waiting for me… In the mind of the drummer: CARS!!! GIRLS!!! MOTORCYCLES!!! MORE GIRLS!!! YEAHH!!! Then finally, in the mind of the bass player, looking down, focused on the strings: G-G-G-G-G and now.. C-C-C-C.. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 20:26:11 GMT -6
OK. This one now really happened today, but is not less of a joke still.
I played around with Jamstix 3 and found a virtual metal drummer personality that was unbelievably sloppy, uninspired, unprecise, undynamic and couldn't hold a beat. Completely awful.
My brother came in and asked me: "What the heck is THIS???"
I said: "It's a virtual AI drummer called *Lars*".
He said: "Wow, incredible! It's totally modeled after reality. I mean it's freaking PERFECT."
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Post by Ward on Jan 17, 2016 4:16:43 GMT -6
The gig is over and the bouncer gets called to the stage to break up a knock-down drag'em-out fight going on.
When he gets to the stage, it's the bass player and the drummer going at it. So he breaks it up and looks at the two of them and asks "Can you two douchebags tell me what's going on here?"
The drummer says "This asshole threw my sticks across the room"
The bass player replies... "Yeah, but he tuned down one my strings. AND HE WON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE!"
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Post by Ward on Jan 17, 2016 4:19:12 GMT -6
And now for a seldom heard joke from Scotty Moore...
The band sounds awful one night... the singer can't seem to find the key and the bassist and drummer are screwing up their faces. the guitarist apologizes to the band "I'm sorry, guys, I know my guitar is terribly out of tune. I don't know what the problem is. She was in tune when I bought her. Must be a warranty issue."
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Post by warrenfirehouse on Jan 17, 2016 9:35:53 GMT -6
A man comes into a store. "I want to buy a Marshall AC30 and a Gobson Stratoblaster with a Fried Rose Tremolo." "You are a drummer, right?" "How do you know???" "This is a travel agency...." This reminds me of a scene from the very funny "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" "Doc, Im here because I had unprotected sex last night, and Im really scared that I might have an STD." "Peter, Im a pediatrician. Cant you see you are sitting on a firetruck?" |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2016 12:51:49 GMT -6
Jazz trio, piano, bass, drums, soundcheck in the afternoon for a concert.
The drummer and the bass player send the piano player down to the audience room to check if he is ok with the live sound, because he is the one who always complains...
They play for half a minute.
Then, the bass player shouts down into the audience room:
"So, is the sound ok for you?"
The piano player shouts back:
"NO, it's NOT. It's as always! YOU BOTH are MUCH TOO LOUD. I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF!"
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Post by iamasound on Jan 22, 2016 3:35:55 GMT -6
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying,
"Excuse me; I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says,
"Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says,
"You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development."
Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
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, but anyway…). This is the tour premiere night and they are playing at Central Park in front of 500000 people and the gig is being broadcasted all over the world.
