non-ported bass drums

Albini dangles a little electret mic like a Crown GLM100 or Countryman IsoMax near where the beater strikes the head

You could use something like a SM91 which uses a mini XLR that would (probably) fit through a vent. I’ve been thinking of getting Kelly Shu mount and a SM91 having it live inside a 26x14 drum I have so I could put a sealed head on it but still have the inside the drum sound when needed

I've had good luck with using samples or doubling the track and doing extreme EQ. Never seemed to be an issue in the final mix, so why sweat over it. The main kit I use has no port hole. There are lots of instances where mic'ing for the right sound is the better option. This is one case where that little click feel can come from several options.

I always swap a solid front head out for a ported one if one comes into the studio. The 20 minutes it takes is well worth the aggravation later.

Embrace the thump. Mix the beater if you want.

Never had good experience trying to mic a beater either.  I guess without an internal mic the only real solution is a sample for smack.

Have you tried using a hard plastic beater for the kick pedal? Might help you get the attack you want.

I find this often works but it's going to add more to your drum sound that just kick beater: mic over the kick drum, just peaking over the beater side. How far over, if at all, is down to taste. Normally little to no compression, at least in tracking.

My favorite mic for this is a U87 in omni (best to trust the drummer in this case....). This placement though does pick up snare rattle and overall kit noise (in the best of ways, but may not be what you're looking for). EV 635a is also a cool option and I normally use that one if I'm planning on compressing it a lot.

Changing the beater head can help too but sometimes a drummer may like this less than swapping their drum head as it can change the pedal feel.

You burn it? With a hot poker? A torch?

How far from the edge? 

Some of the comments here about changing a drummer's actual instrument and sound push my buttons--but I'll bite my tongue!  This question depends so much on the type of sound and music that's being made.  I'm not dogmatic about my own drumming approach, but I do love the sound of a drum with the front head intact.  It can take more time to dial up the sound, but the character that results is worth it.  One way to think about attack is not just about the actual beater on the head sound, but rather the attack one gets from the whole instrument being played, and how using room mics can focus that sound.  For instance, using a front-of-kit mic can really bring out the beauty of the drum, including its natural attack.  For extra credit I sometimes record a bass drum sample using a front-of-kit mic for later use as a bass drum sample in the tune.  (I sometimes do that with snare too.) It's a sample yes, but it sounds really natural this way being the same drum in the same room.  

An old trick to cutting holes is to heat up a can on the stove... like an empty soup can. Get it real, real hot... then shove it into & through the bass drum head. Wear oven mitts! Work fast. It'll leave a clean hole. Don't burn yourself.  

Swapping beaters around, like felt to plastic and adding a remo falam slam patch never hurts & just might be enough.

I have been known to cut an XLR connector off, drop it through the vent... remove the head... solder connector back on... mic... replace head... cut tracks... then reverse the process. Time consuming but if that's the only option? 

The Albini thing of dangling a mic on the beater side? Kinda works. Kinda doesn't. He's got an elaborate gate setup that I believe is keyed off the snare? Its like it works as long as the kick & snare aren't being hit at the same time. Sort of. Even in best of cases that mic is still "snare bottom" There's some utoob vids where he talks about that rig.  

Ultimately its just so easy to layer a sample If I need more smack that its often the best route/path of least resistance. Why fight it?

Often though I find half the battle is simply articulation. Sealed kick can sound "big enough" that I'll end up carving lows & low mids to save space which helps the overall speaking voice of the drum. 

I strongly disagree with that statement. A full front head does not automatically mean sustain for days. Also, it completely depends on the mix.

At that point I'd rather just copy the track, slice it up and replace the hits with samples. That way I'm not using any plugins to do so much work.

That's also why I try to take good samples of the setup, each drum at a time, so it doesn't sound any different than what we hear in the room. I can also easily replace the samples later if it's not working out.